I woke up this morning with a song from the Mama’s and the Papa’s dancing around in my head “all the leaves are brown and the skies are gray…California Dreamin’ on such a winters day…”  but no do not worry, I would tell him and I am not leaving tomorrow.

It just got so cold from on day to the next here in Boston that it just shocks a Southern California girl to the core.  Just last month we had the A/C on and all of a sudden one day we woke up a few weeks ago and we had to turn on the heater and it has been on ever since.  It has all been so new and amazing though, to experience the turning of the leaves just last week on a windy afternoon as I was walking to my local CVS I was blessed with the yellow, red, and brown leaves as they where dancing around in the wind like a very well choreographed ballet, that Mikhail Baryshnikov would be jealous.   It was like a smörgåsbord for my eyes, I had never seen such colors and such beauty in any of my previous falls, it’s like a dream…but not a California Dreamin’ dream.

As a young women I would tell people that I had to experience it all.  I had to experience the bad to appreciate the good, I had to feel the pain to be able to recognize the pleasure and people would look at me like if I was mad.  But I would not be able to know what it was to be California Dreamin’ if I had never left.  It’s an amazing feeling to know that you are part of something that you belong somewhere and that it brings hope and clarity and just plain old kick-ass warm and fussy feelings so much so that I am already feel “safe and warm” even in the Boston cold…beside was LA ever safe.  I am firm to my belief that you have to experience all the feelings just to know you are alive and appreciate what you have.

Wow, its been a long time since I last blogged and you would think that with all my new found free time that I would be blogging on a daily bases. Truth is that I have been in some what of a culture shock funk. Not due to the fact that I am now in the East Coast but more due to the fact that I am home 24/7 playing housewife. Kudos to all you ladies that do this and love it, but for me honestly I am depressed most of the day then relaxed. The truth is that I have been working since I was 16 and I like the feeling of making my own money and being independent. I never liked to ask for money not even my dad…and he is my dad and never said no. So to now have no income of my own is freak’n traumatic to say the least. Matt is great and he gives me everything I want but it’s such a strange feeling and even at my age I still do not like to ask for money and his Matt and never says no.

It’s been far more difficult to find a job then I anticipated, it had never taken me this long to find a job…but then again I had never looked during such a bad rescission. To add more fault to injury there are more HR peeps in Boston then lawyers in California and they are all looking. So wish me luck and hopefully soon I am back making my own moola and blogging more frequently. In the mean time I will try to stay dry and warm inside my cute little house…without going crazy that is.

I don’t know how you all feel about your siblings, but my siblings rock.  They are all very talented and creative and could turn just about anything to look good or make anything work.  My older sister Glafira can draw anything and is great at scrap-booking although she stopped a few years ago.  She is always drawing things for my nice and nephew.  Then there is my brother Sergio, he is the inventor in the family he took after our dad.  He has a load of ideas and a few that I know will make him rich.  All his inventions have to do with the auto industry primarily.  See he just wanted to be a mechanic just like dad, but dad made him go to college so now he is an Architect.  Even though he is very good at his job, he just loves to have his hands in the grease as much of the time as possible.  Finally there is Julie, the one I have not stopped bragging about on Facebook and everyone I have encountered this whole weekend.  She just has the hands of Midas, she can convert a turd (excuse the expression) into a centerpiece that you would proudly display at your next Thanksgiving dinner table.  This weekend Julie did the most amazing cake ever for my nephews 7th birthday party, it was a 3D Sponge Bob cake and it was freaking beautiful…I have no idea how my sister-in-law was able to cut it, knowing her she may have sent my brother to Costo to buy another.  One year she kept a cake topper my sister made of Winnie-the-Pooh for about 4 months.  A few years back Julie recreated the tow truck Master from the cartoon Cars out of fondet and my sister-in-law may still have it.  OK that sounds a bit freaky but you just have to know how to appreciate art, and apparently my sister-in-law does.  Ace-of-Cakes have nothing on my sister.  A lot of people tell her that she should sale them, but when she tells them how much it would cost they don’t say a peep after that. A cake like Sponge Bob took her about 20 hours of labor plus materials, if she were to sale it and want to make a profit (which is the reason to sale) she would need to sale it at a minimum $500.  She needs the big o TV production like Ace-of-Cakes does so people fork out the cash.  So if you like her work, please share this posting with your friends. 

Also if you need inventing ideas or know of someone that does, my bro is your man.

How proud are you about your next of kin?

Last year I took like four pregnancy test one after the other within a three day span completely freaked out not knowing what to do or who to tell and every single one of them had the same result…POSITIVE.    Now a year later when I know exactly what to do, who to tell and knowing that they too want this as much as me I keep taking the dumb test one after the other and all with the same result…NEGATIVE.  Life sucks sometimes.  The makers of First Response are going to make a fortune with me, the good thing that my Flex Savings plan covers it. 
I keep you posted.

As some of you may know I lost my first baby last July and it was by far the biggest hurt I have ever felt.  For the first few months I denied myself to even think about it I was completely disassociated with the memory and the pain.  Even now eight months later I have tears running down my face as I write this post, but I can finally write about it.
I had so many mixed feelings and emotions, I would compare everything to the hurt of the lost of a child, but most importantly for the first time I really believed my mother.  That nothing and no one ever replaces a lost child.  See I had a sister that was a year older then me, but she died a week after she was born.  Her name was Celia just like my mother…not like me.  This I finally realized on July 11, 2008, her name was not mine it was my mothers and I had the honor to share it with her.  I did not replace her, I was not the substitute child, I was not filling in for her.  I was wrong for so many years that was a replacement child, a feeling that I alone gave me permission to feel.  Nor my parents nor my siblings ever refer to it in any way, as a matter of fact I never knew I had a sister until I was about 5 or 6 years old.  But my error was to ask what her name was and to assume that I replaced her just because we shared the same name. 

So even thou our baby girl was just 15 weeks old, she will never be forgotten or replaced in our harts.

Now that I am pregnant I find myself surrounded by this strange aura of negativity.  And by negativity I mean, “well now that you are going to have a kid your not going to be able to LIVE any more”.  I am having a child and in my game of LIFE my spine says, “Move four spaces” not “your life ends here”.  I think that so many people now days are so wrapped up with their own lifeless lives that they use their children as an excuse for their own lack of motivation and meaningless existence. Some people don’t even have kids yet they are already setting themselves up for this mental block of damnation. Is it that your society is so numb to life and so comforted by a mediocre existence that they have forgotten how to feel and how to create emotions for themselves?

Well I refuse to be numbed, and I refuse to have our child live in a world controlled by fear and a world not able to feel.  I did not have a normal childhood and thank god I didn’t.  I lived at my parent’s storefront more then I did at home. I started traveling with my dad at the age of two.  All of my playmates were 20 years older (my parents employees) then me and I had a blast.  When I got tired I fell asleep in between shelves made out of wood and cinder block that my parents had at their auto parts store if not I would sleep in the car if it were parked in front of SELMEX (their store). I got to see and experience things that so many kids my age had no idea about, I was living in a completely different world, my world and that is what I want for not only our child but for us.  A world where you are allowed to create and feel emotions such as happiness and loneliness a world where the impossible is possible.

Yes, we are going to home school our kids and yes we are going to be moving from country to country and yes I am going to continue to pursue my dreams of working for the Foreign Services and yes Matt is still going to continue to take three months off each year to study the latest technologies. If you stop wanting and pursuing you stop living.  It’s all a state of mind and by us having a child now does not mean that I now need to stay in San Diego until the kid goes to college and forget that we ever had a dream…

Wide-eyed, breathless, and the feeling of a bottomless pit in the inside of my stomach followed by…oh shit I’m pregnant was the first two seconds after the first out of four pregnancy test that I took in late April.  I immediately hide the evidence as I took the test, I did not know what to do…who to tell…I was in denial.  I had always wanted to have kids and this time it was for real…but there is a big difference between wanting and actually having. 

As a child I sometimes thought that for some reason I was going to be the one not able to have kids.  As an adult I have encountered so many women that have not been able to conceive or have had risky pregnancies, that I for sure thought that I was not going to have kids…or better yet did not even think about it.  I always said I wanted, the same way you say that you want to pull off the band-aid.  I really believe now that not thinking about it is the key…because I did not see the semi-truck drive up to the bathroom all I saw was the headlights as I got ran over and the sound of the horn blasting in my ear that April afternoon as I took my first pregnancy test. 

I walked around the house for almost two weeks before telling Matt.  News like this can really throw anyone off their game and Matt had been in high study mode for the past few months and he was in the last stretch home.  We had talked about kids, but now… Not sure how he would take it, would he be excited or would he be upset that his life was about to change.  I think that the stress of telling him was what was making me so sensitive and to some degree bitchy.  But once it was out…I think Matt was more excited then I…I was still in denial. 

Once we saw the little 1/2 centimeter being inside my uterus for the first time, reality hit and its pretty damn exciting.  I do not forget the images of the birth video in 8th grade that traumatized me and made me hold on to my virginity till age 25, but I guess I will cross that bridge when I get there for now…its all good. 

See a photo of Baby Delisle on my Photo page.