Now that I am pregnant I find myself surrounded by this strange aura of negativity.  And by negativity I mean, “well now that you are going to have a kid your not going to be able to LIVE any more”.  I am having a child and in my game of LIFE my spine says, “Move four spaces” not “your life ends here”.  I think that so many people now days are so wrapped up with their own lifeless lives that they use their children as an excuse for their own lack of motivation and meaningless existence. Some people don’t even have kids yet they are already setting themselves up for this mental block of damnation. Is it that your society is so numb to life and so comforted by a mediocre existence that they have forgotten how to feel and how to create emotions for themselves?

Well I refuse to be numbed, and I refuse to have our child live in a world controlled by fear and a world not able to feel.  I did not have a normal childhood and thank god I didn’t.  I lived at my parent’s storefront more then I did at home. I started traveling with my dad at the age of two.  All of my playmates were 20 years older (my parents employees) then me and I had a blast.  When I got tired I fell asleep in between shelves made out of wood and cinder block that my parents had at their auto parts store if not I would sleep in the car if it were parked in front of SELMEX (their store). I got to see and experience things that so many kids my age had no idea about, I was living in a completely different world, my world and that is what I want for not only our child but for us.  A world where you are allowed to create and feel emotions such as happiness and loneliness a world where the impossible is possible.

Yes, we are going to home school our kids and yes we are going to be moving from country to country and yes I am going to continue to pursue my dreams of working for the Foreign Services and yes Matt is still going to continue to take three months off each year to study the latest technologies. If you stop wanting and pursuing you stop living.  It’s all a state of mind and by us having a child now does not mean that I now need to stay in San Diego until the kid goes to college and forget that we ever had a dream…

Wide-eyed, breathless, and the feeling of a bottomless pit in the inside of my stomach followed by…oh shit I’m pregnant was the first two seconds after the first out of four pregnancy test that I took in late April.  I immediately hide the evidence as I took the test, I did not know what to do…who to tell…I was in denial.  I had always wanted to have kids and this time it was for real…but there is a big difference between wanting and actually having. 

As a child I sometimes thought that for some reason I was going to be the one not able to have kids.  As an adult I have encountered so many women that have not been able to conceive or have had risky pregnancies, that I for sure thought that I was not going to have kids…or better yet did not even think about it.  I always said I wanted, the same way you say that you want to pull off the band-aid.  I really believe now that not thinking about it is the key…because I did not see the semi-truck drive up to the bathroom all I saw was the headlights as I got ran over and the sound of the horn blasting in my ear that April afternoon as I took my first pregnancy test. 

I walked around the house for almost two weeks before telling Matt.  News like this can really throw anyone off their game and Matt had been in high study mode for the past few months and he was in the last stretch home.  We had talked about kids, but now… Not sure how he would take it, would he be excited or would he be upset that his life was about to change.  I think that the stress of telling him was what was making me so sensitive and to some degree bitchy.  But once it was out…I think Matt was more excited then I…I was still in denial. 

Once we saw the little 1/2 centimeter being inside my uterus for the first time, reality hit and its pretty damn exciting.  I do not forget the images of the birth video in 8th grade that traumatized me and made me hold on to my virginity till age 25, but I guess I will cross that bridge when I get there for now…its all good. 

See a photo of Baby Delisle on my Photo page.